Worried that I have fucked up my sister...

Hello there,

I haven't blogged forever. I'm not sure that anyone is reading it anyway. I'm sorry if you are.

This is a bit of a touchy subject and has arose recently. I've written a little about my own anxiety last year when it was really bad and I really needed help. But I am better now and learning to deal with it. Mostly.

But when I went home after my exams I found my sister a wreck. She showed all the symptoms of anxiety attacks that I had around September; only worse. If that is possible. My sister has always been anxious. My whole close family has anxiety problems to some extent. But my sister is taking it to new levels. I want to help her more than anything but I feel that she's not ready to listen to me and accept my help.  

And the worst thing is that I cant help be believe that I am in some way the cause of this. Like the pressure and the stress of dealing with her older sister, who has usually been so strong, crumble under her own anxiety. 

I don't really know why I've written this...

I think that I hope that someone will read this and offer some insight in how I can help my sister confront and deal with her anxiety. Or my own. Or alternatively if anyone reads this and has their own issues with anxiety and would like to talk about it then that would also be cool.

Thanks,
TheTinyBookworm 

Pretension

Hi there, 

The topic of today is pretension. Most of us are pretentious about certain aspects of ourselves, but the level varies widely from person to person. 

But I think I have found the pinnacle of pretension, the highest peak of snobbish self serving rubbish, the apex of bombastic stool water. (You get my point.)

This article. The Ideal English Major

As an English student myself I have my own healthy level of pretension. Like when I read classic literature not always because I enjoy it but so that I can sound more interesting to my peers. (But I'll never like Jane Eyre. It's shite. I'm sorry, its just the way it is. Why can't we read Edgar Allen Poe? his stuff is dark and creepy as hell but awesome.) 

I think what I find most pretentious about this article is where it states that "an English major means pursuing the most important subject of all—being a human being." No it isn't. English is the study of how meaning is created through the use of language and form and then how this is perceived by the reader/listener. Leave the 'what it is to be a human' debate to the philosophers. They love this sort of pretentious crap. 

It's hard enough being an English student, and dealing with pretentious English students without an article adding to the snobbish nature surrounding it. True, English is an excellent degree if you love reading and want to do academia for the sake of academia. But don't try and suggest that it is the enlightened subject, when other subjects are just as valuable, if not more so.

I chose English not because I had some hipster notion of not doing a science or economics because it would be construed as selling out. I chose English because I love to read, just about anything, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet. I might still convert to law afterwards. How's that for selling out? I also love that, it many ways, English is not limited to texts, but encompasses other languages, history, psychology and philosophical elements as well. I wouldn't say it is the study of being human, but, what one particular person or group of people where thinking at the time, due to their socio-economic and historical context. Yet even this is inevitably coloured by our own prejudices so we can never have an objective view and we will never be able to fully recreate or understand the true meaning of most of the things we read.

As to the points about language the article made, suggesting that English students become masters of language whereas other subjects are controlled by their jargon...this too comes across as conceited. 

One thing I have learned about language, while studying English, is that language is a powerful tool that can be used by all professions and subjects to bend meaning to their own agenda. The language of medicine and law are just two examples of how language has been taken on by other subjects and used to devastating effect. Subjects aren't controlled by jargon, this is there own form of language to root their own ideas and values. All forms of language are valuable because they all facilitate communication and act as measuring instrument of the culture and time of which they are used. English students may be more adept at constructing elaborate metaphors does not necessarily mean that they hold greater power over language than anyone else.

I think what I am trying to get at is that I disagree with this article because I think it makes arrogant and inaccurate claims about not only the study of English but of many of its students. I do not believe that because I am studying for an English degree that I am any more enlightened about the human nature than anyone else. Perhaps there are English students who really do believe that studying English at degree level gives them greater right to comment on the human condition. I certainly don't want to meet them. Pretentious gits. 

Thanks,
TheTinyBookworm
xx

War with the postal service.

Hello there,

I didn't really know what to write about this time so I'm going to tell you about my very uninteresting fall out and psychotic episode, that followed, due to the royal mail postage system.

It all started one fateful morning on the 21st when I had manages to miss the postman and my package, because it was too big - he he. (Snickers like a child.) Anyway, I got one of those little red bits of card which said I had missed the delivery of my packaged and thought, well, shit. I've missed my package and now I have to walk miles to pick it up! (That was the last thing I wanted to do. My friend had done it a few days previously and said it was one hell of a walk. No thank you.) But all was not lost! I could have it redelivered when I wanted it. Super, let's do that.

So I did. I asked for it to be redelivered on the 24th, even waiting the customary 24 hours that it asks you to on the slip of card, like a good girl and postal service using citizen. I get up nice and early on the 24th so I can't possibly miss the postman, but there was no post that day. Sad times. Is something wrong with my package? Where is it?! I wait till Tuesday, as it was bank holiday weekend. Still no post. Shit is getting serious. I want my package.

So I arrange another redelivery. Please, god of post, delivery my package safely to me, your humble receiver. While this is going on I get a message from currys with my tracking number for my new nexus. (Which is totally awesome by the way.) But the plot twist is that this number doesn't work. Oh lord, what plague have you sent me now?! So it gets to Thursday the 29th - package redelivery day. Or at least they tell me so. But I'm feeling good about this as my tracking number seems to be functioning at last!

So I'm waiting for my package. Going slightly insane, because I'm now convinced I'm doomed never to receive another package in my life as the clock is showing nearly 12. But its okay, I have seen a reflection of the van in the bus as it stops next to the house! Surely my package has finally arrived! The wait is over!  But all is posted is 2 letters. I am doomed. All I want is the postage service to do what it said it would and redeliver it to me! Is that so much to ask? Apparently so.

I am starting to lose my rag now. So I call the delivery office and ask were my package is.

"Out for delivery they say."
"Then why has the postman already been without heads or tail of my package. Plus this is the second time I have asked for it, so stop sounding so annoyed I'm calling you stupid bint and give me my package. I am sorry. Your not a bint, I just really want my package." "
Its probably still in the van and will be delivered soon."
"Why can't you just post it at the same time?! I can see the van. It would not be that difficult. Okay thank you."

And sure enough, ten minutes later it turns up. A hollow victory though. This could have all been avoided if you had just resent it the fist time I asked you to. Like you said you would. I always had faith in the royal mail service. But the blind fold has been removed and my child like naivety shattered. The postal service isn't faultless.

The next day my nexus is due to arrive. But can I really trust the royal mail to deliver my package on time. Or will I be left disappointed once more?

But it arrives - and just like that, all is forgiven. Well, until I have to wait for my Chinese tea set to arrive.

Thanks,
TheTinyBookwork
Xx

Feeling a little bit anxious...

Hello there,

Time for a slightly more serious post I think. So, recently I've been feeling anxious, really anxious. It's starting to worry me a lot as I am sure it is not only affecting myself, but, also those around me. It's been getting worse, steadily, so much so that I cant really pinpoint when it really started. It has kind of snuck on me. 

I've always been anxious by nature. I always cared too much about others feelings, when it wasn't necessary, what others think of me and how well I am doing be it school or sport. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean it allowed and even to some degree pushed me to be the best person I can be. But I think I have gotten a tiny bit lost along the way.

Now I feel anxious in almost all the things I do. Especially when in social interactions and doing or learning things that are out of my comfort zone. I hate doing these things now. It makes me sweat, shake and feel sick to my stomach. Perhaps I have drilled myself to the point that I now fear trying new things as I am terrified at failing or looking stupid.

It is all becoming a bit too much. It is getting to the point were I am almost always trying to crush the anxiety which manifests itself as a constant pressure high in my chest which constricts my breathing and makes me heart ache. The more I notice the pressure and the building anxiety the bigger it gets until it fills my chest and me whole being and I am ready to burst, usually into shakes and tears. 

I try to talk myself back to rationality that the problem doesn't really exist, or that at least it is a small problem that can be easily handled or talked through. But I get trapped in my own head with all my worries and insecurities. And it is usually the small problems, that wouldn't normally get to others, that get to me over the larger life problems just as moving to the new uni house or even trying to complete my exams, or even bigger, my course.

I need to relax more and realise that a lot of my worries are unnecessary before my anxiety takes over my life. But I think being able to write some of my feelings down, in some semblance of order, is going to be a big help and step in the right direction towards letting, at least, some of my anxiety go.

Thanks,
TheTinyBookworm
xx

Crouching Tiger Painted Dragon

Hi there,

It's been awhile since my last post. I could spout many excuses about having my braces taken off and moving to my new uni house (the packing was never ending! I may still be suffering from mild trauma...) but the real reason I haven't posted something recently is because I am lazy and a chronic procrastinator. ( I need to keep doing small things so that I'm not over exerting myself but also to that I am staving off the immanent period of just doing nothing of consequence for days or weeks.)

But I did do something mildly productive in the days before my big move into my new home. I painted.

Before I finished my first year of uni I promised my gorgeous boyfriend that I would paint him something that he could put up in his room and after many weeks of procrastination deliberation on my part I decided to paint my take on a Chinese style dragon with the only prerequisites being that it was green, gold and black.

Concept art

Here is my concept drawing of roughly what I wanted my dragon to look like. As you can see I like to draw my dragons fairly elaborately with lost of curving spinal plates and an elaborate head and tail to give the impression of a elegant dragon. (That an I am a sucker for lots of detail to hide my scruffy sketches.) You may also see faint lines on the body which suggest arms. I wasn't at this stage sure if I wanted to draw arms as I though this might take away from the Chinese-iness of my dragon and make it more medieval European looking.

Background filled in.

So I went for the arms. What can I say...I think a dragon should have arms so that it can walk around and stuff. (And no, it does not need wings to fly. It is a Chinese dragon and flies with it's mystical dragon powers. Haku in Spirited Away didn't have wings so neither does my dragon.) I chose to paint the background purple as I thought that I would make the best contrast with the green of the dragon. I have also changed the spinal plates slightly as I decided I'd have it look a little more scary and fearsome than just elegant.

Spinal plates!

So here I have done the spinal plates in black and tipped them with gold paint so that they catch the light but also because this creates a greater contrast with the background. This bit was good fun and allowed me to go a bit more extreme with the tail.

Finished!

I know what you are thinking. She's got a bit ahead of herself here. And yeah I have. I forgot to take more picture so unfortunately this is the last one. But I am going to talk through it anyway.

I first painted the green body and arms/legs first with a medium green with some gold miked in to give a bit of a shimmer. (OMG this mas the hardest part ever. Trying to keep my hand steady so that i didn't paint over my spinal plates and too far into the background was what I can imagine disabling a bomb feels a bit like. All my effort went into slowly making sure I didn't make any mistakes and ruin my painting that I felt physically, mentally and emotionally tired afterwards.) Once this was finished I did a similar process for the belly plates with the gold paint, paying special attention to where the dragon's body moves to the plates are entirely visible and behind the more prominent part of the body which is closer to the viewer so that it looked more realistic.

Then I painted shadows around the parts of the body would be in shadow around the middle and head but also around the legs to give them definition and the impression that they have come out of the sides of the main body. Then I painted the definition of the belly plates with some black paint and the smallest brush I had.

I left the head to last. I painted it a graduating green turning into black at the spine type areas of the head. Then once again tipped in gold. Lastly I did finishing touched such as shading dark green to the head and then the eye and teeth along with the white claws, finally finishes with the golden touched to the head. 

The voila! my dragon.

I was and am still really pleased with my dragon painting and so is Joe. The only things I would change if I could would be to center it better, taking the legs into account this time as there is quite a lot of empty space on the left side. 

My sister says it looks a bit like a coat of arms...like a Lannister lion. ( I can see where she got that from and probably did influence me a tiny bit.)

Thanks,

TheTinyBookworm

xx

Ps. Sorry for the terrible quality pictures taken off my phone. I will use my camera next time. Lesson learned.

Artificial Intelligence

Hi there,

Been doing quite a bit of Science Fiction reading recently and while reading Iain M Banks' Culture novels I got the inspiration for this.

Robot

It's just a little doodle done with a biro. He looks kind of lonely. If he feels loneliness. Perhaps he just wants to feel that he matters as much as something 'living'. Cogito ergo sum - I think, therefore I am. If a robot/machine can think for itself and feel does that make it alive?

Thanks,

TheTinyBookworm
xx

Why I am terrified about having my braces off...

Hi there,

So, here's the deal. After almost two years I am having my braces off on the 15th. But I'm terrified. I know what you're thinking 'what are you on about you crazy bint, who wouldn't want to have their braces off?'. Of course I want them off and have straight teeth and my mouth to myself again. (It feels like they've been doing a multi million pound project to completely renovate my mouth for the past two years, although, it looked finished after four months but I have still had to wait another year and seven months. So yeah I can't wait to have my mouth back.) But here's the thing, I've grown kind of attached to my mouth scaffolding.

The rational side of my brains shouts about the fact that I will be able to eat apples and wine gums without worrying that something fundamental will break in my mouth. And I can chew gum! Oh lord, how I have missed chewing gum. (No more incidents of being offered gum by my friends who have momentarily forgotten about my braces and I have to politely decline because of my braces. Then realisation dawns on them. Then they look at my with that face that says 'I'm so sorry, I forgot, but how do you survive without chewing gum? It must be hell on earth for you.' Like I'm being deprived of a basic human right. Which, sometimes, think I am.) Not too mention I'll have beautiful straight teeth for the first time. I should be excited, and for the most part I am. But.

There's a more than tiny part of me that is terrified at the prospect. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I go in for a check up and they suddenly take my braces off with no warning and I'm completely unprepared. I wake up with the greatest feeling of terror, loss and self consciousness which cut to my very core. The thing is that, although my braces and I have had a love/hate relationship, they are a part of me. 

When they first went on I had never felt less like myself and more ugly, however, I've grown to treat them like some ugly face armor which I can hide behind. (It doesn't matter if my smile looks crap in that picture because I have braces so my smile will always look crap, sort of thing.) But without them I'm exposed to the world. I'll be without my metal comfort blanket and if I look bad in a photo or having a ugly day its because I look bad, not because I have braces and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that I should stop being so self conscious about how I look, because not that many people really care, and I should try to be happy with myself as I am. But its not that easy.

My braces coming off also has some symbolic meaning. My whole life is changing, I'm properly moving out for my second year of uni into a new home, I need to start taking my course and future seriously and I'm trying to become the person I've always wanted to be by doing more of the things I love and expressing myself. Its all a little overwhelming. What if I fail? What if i'm still not happy with how I look even when I have straight teeth. I'm not self hating, but like everyone I have moments of insecurity. I'm worried for the future.

Hopefully, this will signify a new chapter in my life where I start feeling more confident and happy within myself. (Its more likely that people wont notice they've gone or what I even looked like with them.) He's to being cautiously optimistic for the future. (My goodness woman, you are so dramatic, you're only getting your braces off. It's not like you're starting uni again. Idiot. I Know, I'm sorry just rambling.)

I am so excited for the 15th. I hope my teeth look awesome and I can't wait to have my teeth back.

Thanks,
TheTinyBookworm

xx

Ps. It was so difficult not to make a joke about being able to give better BJs. Mind in the gutter.